I would have never admitted this a year ago, but I often find myself asking this question several times a week; maybe even several times a day. “God, are you even real?” “How are you even possible?” “Am I wrong for believing in you?”
Every once and awhile I look around and see myself surrounded by amazing people who love Jesus. I’m taking classes in spiritual formation, professional development, identity, and missions- all of which are centered around God. I talk to God everyday. I plan on spending my life as a missionary who tells people about Him and the good news of the Gospel. I am in deep. Around the same time I often think “What if it’s not real? What if we have all been tricked or brain washed into believing in the same cause? Muslims and Jews and all the other religions believe that their God or lack of God is the truth, so how come we are so certain that we (Christians) are those who got it right?” I could sit for hours having this conversation with myself. Sometimes intellectual Madison even comes out with all her fancy knowledge of how the region you were born into greatly effects the God you end up worshiping.
Long story short, when I argue the existence of God with myself, I almost always lose.
Once I realized how much I was doubting God, I would get mad at myself. Of course God is real. How could I ever believe otherwise? And yet the cycle would continue.
Finally, I made an amazing discovery. I can talk to God about my doubts in Him. I started bringing my arguments to God in prayer. “God, how is it fair that there are people around the world who live and die without ever hearing your name? Without even a chance to go to heaven?” That is why I have given the Great Commission. That is why I call people like you to be an international missionary. “How can you let people starve to death?” I have provided the world with more than enough resources. “From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded.” Luke 12:48 People who have much are able to provide for the starving and needy but they do not always choose to do so. “How can you allow your people and your church to be such a harsh place that judges homosexuals, atheists, single moms, ect. instead of loving and welcoming them as Jesus demonstrated?” They are not perfect, but I love them. And in you judging them in their judgments towards others, how are you any different? Yeah. That one really hit home.
Sometimes when I hear from the Lord it isn’t always so clear, and there isn’t always an answer. I will never fully understand God. I will always have questions. And you know what, that is more than okay. At the end of the day, I will always fall on my knees and surrender. I do not always understand why bad things happen, or why angels exist, or how the universe came to be. But I will trust in God. I will have faith that He is for me and not against me.
Psalm 9:10 Those who know your name trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you.
**Praises!
-I have successfully reached my next fundraising deadline! Thank you so much to everyone who has supported me in my work for the Kingdom. You are greatly appreciated!
-My family will be coming to visit me in a few weeks! (I miss them a whole lot.)
**Prayer Requests!
-Safe travels for my family road-tripping from Texas to Georgia.
-My next financial deadline of $987 is due March 29th! Pray that God will continue to provide through His people!
-Many of my classmates have been sick with various things including stomach aches, tooth infections, headaches, and muscle pains. Please pray for us all to be healthy!
-We started a church plant last Sunday in our lovely home here in Gainesville and it went amazing! God is alive and moving. Please pray that He would continue to lead this church plant into the community!
